What choices have you made out of FEAR?
Moving forward despite our fears is one of the most powerful things we will ever do.
I recently found out that I would not be promoted to a senior level position this year. And, even better, a co-worker with less experience than me did get promoted to senior level.
I have all kinds of feelings about this: anger, sadness, embarrassment, humiliation. But at the bottom of that stack of emotions, can you guess what’s there?
Fear comes from the part of the brain that sounds the alarm when there’s a (perceived) threat to our survival. It tells us whether to fight or run like hell.
Not being promoted scared the shit out of me. My inner voice was freaking OUT and my nervous system was at DEFCON 1. I was thinking maybe I’m not as capable and hardworking as I thought I was. I imagined all of my co-workers either laughing at or pitying me.
I frantically started to schedule a meeting with HR and my manager. I needed to fix it!
Blood actually flows away from your heart and into your limbs, making it easier for you to start throwing punches, or run for your life.
Luckily in the midst of my fear-induced craze, my rational mind casually mentioned that I might want to wait until I was calmer before doing anything. So I got in my car and drove around listening to the Pixies at ear-shattering volume. Then I came home and cried and vented while my husband patiently listened.
When I was calm, I scheduled a call with my manager to talk about what else I needed to do to be promoted. I’m not convinced I was treated fairly but I also need to stay employed.
Fear or fear not
Fear can send you into survival mode in just seconds. This is a very good thing if you’re about to become dinner for some wild predator.
“Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline are released. Your blood pressure and heart rate increase. You start breathing faster. Even your blood flow changes — blood actually flows away from your heart and into your limbs, making it easier for you to start throwing punches, or run for your life.” (“5 Things You Never Knew About Fear,” Northwestern Medicine)
But what if your life is not in danger?
If I had acted on my initial impulse after not being promoted, I likely would have created a sticky situation for myself.
The bottom line is it’s better to respond than react. That takes awareness. It takes practice. It takes intention. And it takes love.
Instead of running
There are as many ways to run from our fears as there are ways not to. Some of my go-tos have included smoking, shopping, eating, drinking. None of those unhealthy habits have ever helped.
I have to face my fears. I know; I don’t like it either.
This is what I’ve learned to do instead of running. I hope it will help you, too.
First, be aware that what you’re feeling is fear. It may show up as anger or sadness but if you sit with the feeling, you might find it’s actually fear.
Next, do nothing. Seriously. As my shrink has sometimes advised me, don’t make any big decisions right now. Think about what you want to do, plan it in your mind, think about how satisfying it would be to calmly kick a bitch while wearing golf cleats. Heh heh… maybe forget that last part and just take a minute before making any decisions.
It takes practice to do nothing when you’re afraid. But keep practicing and you’ll be calmer and more rational in deciding what to do next. Remember, this fear is not about a threat to your life. You won’t die by taking a minute.
Now you can respond with intention instead of reacting in the moment. Your emotions are not in control; you are! Thoughtfully consider your options and choose what’s best for you.
Last but not least — actually the most important part — be loving and kind to yourself as you have this experience. We all deserve love and kindness. We deserve not to be slaves to our emotions. We deserve to have the strength to do what’s best for ourselves.
Final thoughts
- Be aware of your fears.
- Practice doing nothing at first.
- Choose your response with intention.
- Be loving and kind to yourself.
