Baby Steps Will Save You

The past 3 years have not been easy. But things are starting to change.

So often in the past 3 years, my days have felt like dusk on a bleak, winter Sunday afternoon; like the weekend’s over and there’s nothing left to look forward to. The feeling isn’t constant but it’s persistent, and heavy. It takes some effort to change my thoughts when I feel this way.

Changing my thoughts is a heavy-lifting act of courage for me. It probably is for a lot of people. It’s easier to let my feelings tell me what to do — smoke, eat sugar, go shopping — than to do something that actually helps me. And it’s subtle. I often don’t realize it’s happening until I’m knee-deep in something not good for me.

I was at this point a couple of months ago when I decided I’d had enough. It just felt too hard. All the thinking, reading, talking, focusing on what’s wrong, had just gotten to be too much.

So I gave up. I was so angry and tired and getting nowhere. I decided there was nothing I could do but feel like shit. I quit, I gave up, I surrendered.

I said all of this to my therapist. Sitting in his office, desperate for relief, I told him my plan to do absolutely nothing except what was absolutely necessary. I looked up to see he was simultaneously wiping his eyes and smiling.

Apparently, surrendering is good. You have to feel it to understand why it’s good. And then, very carefully, mindfully, you start again.

I write, I meditate, I take my meds, I go to therapy, I try to take better care of myself. I try to make choices that are good for me; or at least ones that don’t hurt me or anyone else.

I’m choosing to be present and to believe that everything will be okay; not perfect, but okay enough that I can handle it. And, surprisingly, it works.

When I’m done writing this, I’m going to get up, shower, eat dinner, and probably watch the latest James Bond movie with my husband and daughter. I will play with the dog, spend too much time on my phone, and force myself to go to bed before midnight. I feel better just thinking about it.